| Friends Only |
[Sep. 22nd, 2009|06:23 pm] |
Hi folks. Glad you made it here, whoever you are.
This journal is mostly friends only. It actually has been for a quite a while, but In the intrest of welcoming any new folks, I thought id post this here as a friendly note.
If you'd like to keep tabs with my thoughts on whatever, leave a message.
Make sure you tell me a bit about yourself, and how you came about finding me.
Also, please try to post comments once I make you a friend. I get kind of iffy when I see a big friends list but people dont post anything.
Glad to have you here! |
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| coming home...to women. |
[Apr. 22nd, 2009|07:55 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  thoughtful | ] |
You know, it's funny. Long time readers know that every once in a while I'll go into one of these phases where I'll be into men big time and will then kind of snap back to women. Afterwards I'll ususually feel depressed because I feel like that means I'm not as bi as I think I am, or wish I was.
Strange thing is, perhaps I'm looking at this all wrong.
Around the time I realized I was probably by, back in my 20's, I remember trying to find ways of exploring this the only way I could.
So one day I tried to have a "guy week" where I wouldn't look at any erotic images of women in magazines, on the internet or even on TV. Instead, I'd only look at men. Walking around campus, I'd look at the cute boys (this took some work..at the time I still wasn't used to these feelings), and back at my apartment I'd ONLY look at men in magazines (this was really the only erotic material I had with men...i was still to chicken to look at gay porn).
I spent a WEEK doing only that, and it was quite an experience for sure.
But when that week ended, coming back to women, I realized how must I LOVE and appreciate all qualities of the femminine form and spirit. Looking at women again after that week it was like cool water washing over me. Like always, this made me sad. I was supposed to be bi, didn't this mean I wasn't?
Now I'm realizing that perhaps my appreciation of men and wanting to be with them physically can also enhance my feelings (and perhaps relationships) with women.
I remember being in high school, and in class we had a history teacher who informed us that back in ancient Rome, men usually had physical relationships with other men, and that it "made them better husbands to their wives."
Of course, all the boys in class went "eww..". I, having only had occasional fantasies at that point, was intrigued.
Now I'm finally realizing what she meant. I know it's pie in the sky thinking, but in a perfect world, I'd have a wonderful girlfriend or wife, and maybe on Tuesday's or so, I'd have permission to go out and bowl a couple of frames with a cute guy friend (who probably also has a wife) and afterwards we'd make love passionatly, free to explore, and after that, I'd want nothing more than to be back in bed with my beautiful wife who would give me the freedom to explore, and feel her softness next to mine.
I guess im understanding that my desire for that one little thing that a woman cant give me is just making me appreciate the 98% that she can.
Thanks for reading!
Sexual Fantasy Scale: Men [ - - - - - * - - - - - ] Women |
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| Choosing my sexual major... |
[Apr. 20th, 2009|09:06 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | thoughtful | ] |
Hi folks. Sorry I haven't been around lately. It's been a pretty busy time of the year. I hope this makes up for it.
You know, it's funny. If you've ever been on bi or gay chat site, have you ever noticed that guys will often announce what they are "into" as part of their hello. Like, "Hi, im so-and-so, 32, oral". Women dont' do this. Probably because they dont let sex rule their lives.
Still, it is kind of true. When you are a man and you realize you like men, you kind of have to decide what you want to "do." Now, i suppose there are guys who are just like "hell, ill try anything" but hey, Im kind of new at this so give me a break.
When I first realized I liked men, the first thing I ever fantasized about doing, was about being a "bottom" (do people even use these terms anymore). I'm not sure why. It's just what I imagined. Perhaps it was my represeed femminine side. For the longest time, that was pretty much the ONLY thing I wanted to do.
Then as time went by I realized I could "top" as well. And probably really enjoy it. I guess for me the best part about sex (besides the foreplay) would be the penetration. Oral is nice, I guess (ive only done it with a woman), and while I love giving, receiving is just allright (i suppose the right person hasn't done it yet).
For me, either receiving (or giving) that firm masculine thrust is what turns me on so much.
Ok, these days I lean more toward receiving again (coming full circle). I'm at that point where even getting on my hands and knees kind of turns me on. its a very sensual position to be in, and my body kind of aches like it needs to be filled. I wonder if that's what women feel like. Hmmmm.
Sorry if this sounds kind of naive.
Thanks for reading everyone! Let me know what you think (I'm kind of lonely these days)
Sexual Fantasy Scale. Men [ - * - - - - - - - - ] Women |
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| checking in... |
[Apr. 7th, 2009|09:36 pm] |
Hi folks..i was working on a very long winded sexuality post...and its one that ive been meaning to do for a while, but i was really sleepy when i wrote it and it turned out like crap, so i decided to save it for later. hopefully it will turn out better, as its something Ive wanted to write about for a while.
Until then, just wanted check in and see how everyone was doing.
Im VERY busy, but im hanging in there!
Thanks for reading..
Sexual Fantasy Scale: Men [ - - - - - * - - - - - } Women (you should have seen it had I written a post two days ago!) |
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| Wow...im sorry!!! |
[Mar. 30th, 2009|06:14 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  embarrassed | ] |
Geez...im such a bad lj friend...here I complain about people not asking me questions, and look what happens...you post some and I dont see it.
So to all of you who posted (its three right now), I'm sorry. And thank you. I'm answering them right now.
If you haven't posted a question for me (both new people and longtime readers) feel free to join in...I'll keep answering!
Thanks again!
Sexual Fantasy Scale: Men [ - - - - - - - * - - ] Women |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 23rd, 2009|09:37 pm] |
wow...no questions for me...lol..that's depressing. Oh well, time to move on I guess.
Things are pretty much the same for me...ive put on a few pounds..ugh.
Work is still a bear, but after tomorrow I should be pretty good.
Plus, I put up a new ad on a bi site...we'll see what comes out of that...god I really need to get laid. :(
Bye!
Sexual Fantasy Scale: Men [- - - - * - - - - - - ]Women |
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| Ask me anything.... |
[Mar. 16th, 2009|09:22 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  curious | ] |
Hi there. I can't think of anything to write about right now, so let's try this one again, since my journal is open to everyone, I'm looking forward to what happens.
So, like the title says...
Ask me anything!
It's that simple.
Cmon now, dont be shy...there must be SOMETHING you want to know!
Sexual Fantasy Scale: Men [- - - - - * - - - -}Women |
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| checking in |
[Mar. 14th, 2009|02:08 pm] |
hi folks...sorry for the lack of updates...ive been SUPER busy the last few days. Here I opened up my journal, made some friends, and I forget to update! Seesh, am i loser.
Let's see...I actually have a few days off, so that's pretty cool. Still, ive got a lot to get done in the meantime.
My bi side is slowly kicking back up again, so that's good. I'm thinking about ordering a toy for me...but we'll see.
I've got a lot of irons in the fire at work, with some possible recognition coming if what I planned turns out ok...we'll see, I don't want to get my hopes up too much.
Some close friends of mine may be moving away. Kind of makes me sad. Kind of hell. it makes me real sad.
I was all psyched to download a couple songs for my ipod, but I FORGOT what they were! UGH! For the life of me I can't remember.
And that's about it...lol...sorry, not the most exciting post in the world, but that's all Ive got right now.
Thanks for reading.
Sexual Fantasy Scale: Men [- - - - - * - - - - -] Women |
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| into women... |
[Mar. 9th, 2009|10:42 pm] |
very into women latley. Even the idea of being with a guy the last few days just doesn't do anything for me...ok with the exception of one of my standby fantasies.
I know this is old news for me and for you longtime readers; my sexuality has always gone back and forth...
but latley, after I really leaned towards men, perhaps more than I ever had before, I really feel kind of bummed out about this swing back towards women.
Not that I don't love women...I LOVE women...but i dont know...i just wish I was more bi than I sometimes am. Sigh.
Sexual Fantasy Index: Men [ - - - - - - - - * - ] Women |
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| good day...bad day |
[Mar. 6th, 2009|01:16 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
hard to explain...but today was good and bad.
Had a big presentation at work and it went really well...but I walked away from it feeling cold. It's almost like "hmm, what now?". Just feels like im not getting any real traction. Don't know if im making any sense. Perhaps im just expecting too much out of such a little thing.
I've been invited to a party...it was a big group invite...i barely know any of the people who will be there...but im thinking for forcing myself to go anyway. We'll see...
Sexual Fantasy Scale: Men [ - - - - - - - - * - ] Women |
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| this time... |
[Mar. 3rd, 2009|06:59 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  amused | ] |
....the GIRL at the sandwhich shop flirted with me....and I may be dense...but I don't see how this couldn't be flirting...(I tried something new on the menu and she said..."I'll get that for you...but you have to come back and tell me what you think")
I mean, that's flirting right?
Still...she's WAY young for me..lol..I think anyway. Still, she's got a great tush! (I peeked as she got my sandwhich ready) :)
Dear lord I hope she's older than 19.
Sexual Fantasy Scale: Men [ - - - - - - - - * - ] Women |
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| more fantasies about... |
[Mar. 2nd, 2009|06:00 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | curious | ] |
hi folks, sorry for the lack of updates..ive been out of town.
its funny, latley Ive found myself not necessairly fantasizing about just being with men...but about the aftermath....laying in bed with man after the deed has been done...us catching our breath. I wonder what we'd talk about? Would I curl up in his arms or him in mine? Would it feel the same as with a woman? How soon before I'd be ready to go again? :)
Intresting.
Has anyone been there?
Thanks.
Sexual Fantasy Scale: Men [ - - * - - - - - - - ] Women |
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| a question for the ladies.... |
[Feb. 26th, 2009|06:15 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | curious | ] |
..and it's about Playboy Magazine. I was wondering what the ladies think about it.
Do you find it demeaning to women?
Do you find it acceptible as erotica?
Is it something that you'd enjoy reading or looking at?
I'll provide my reasoning behind this later...I don't want to taint any opinions.
I will just say this was prompted after having a very enlightening conversation with my (mostly) straight female friends.
Thanks for reading!
Sexual Fantasy Scale: Men [ - - - - - - - * - - ] Women |
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| re-explaining myself |
[Feb. 24th, 2009|07:04 pm] |
Hi there. Well, since my journal is now open to the public again, I suppose a re-introduction is in order...my aplogies to long-timers (god, have I really had this thing going for four years now?) who already know this...uh...already.
Im currenty 30 now, i think i actually got my age wrong in an eariler post...hey as you get older you forget how old you are, and i guess im bi. lol.
I first started having bi thoughts around my early teen years, brought on by my youthful discovery of anything girl-girl related in terms of erotic material. Being a very inquisitive youth, I was frustrated that something could turn me on so much, without knowing the reason WHY.
Eventually, I realized that it was the experimentation that turned me on as much as seeing two women together, so, in a youthful experiment, I closed my eyes and tried fantasizing about a boy from my class. And that was kind of the start of it.
I continued to have ongoing fantasies and occasional real life attractions to boys in my class, while also discovering an intense love of big, muscly men in pictures and movies, all through high school. Although I never thought I was gay, since my love for girls never went away, I didn't think i was really Bi either; I just thought I was openminded or curious at the most.
I had a girlfriend for a few years at the start of college, so most of my guy loving thoughts went on stand by, and for a time I thought that my bi "phase" was just that; A phase. But around my junior year, me and the gf had broken up, and it took one event (my roomate walking out of the bathroom wrapped in a towell) that made me realize that yes, I still found men attractive. it's at that moment that I probably was bi, even if I wasn't sure what to do about. That's the moment that I "came out"...if only to myself.
But, what to do about it? I was away from home, but not THAT far away, and I was (an am) really afraid of people finding out. Not that im not proud to be what I am, but I just dont want people knowing for whatever reason. I thought about going to an LBGT meeting, but for whatever reason I didn't think id fit in there, since im more straight than anything else.
Eventually, I graduated and moved back home, which is where im at now, like I said, stuck. I had a girlfriend for a while after my coming out...and despite she herself having her own sexuality issues, she wasn't very receptive to me at all when I tried to tell her.
We broke up a few years back, and now im realizing that yes, I like men. Not as much as women, but there's a need there that isn't getting fulfilled...and it's not necessarily sexual, but that's a large part of it.
In terms of progress, there hasn't been much. Ive made some great online friends (yes that means everyone here) but my luck with online personals has produced nothing, which is frustrating.
But, it's certinaly a lot considering that at one point in my life I thought id never tell anyone, and that I'd never actualy be with a guy. These days, I suppose anything could happen.
Thanks for reading everyone!
Sexual Fantasy Scale: Men [ - - - - * - - - - - ] Women |
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| I flirted with a boy..... |
[Feb. 23rd, 2009|06:25 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | surprised | ] |
...i think...lol...it's hard to tell.
First, some business...after much thought, my journal is now public again! I've decided to open up the doors to see who drifts on in. Of course, Ive got to do my part to post more, so I'll try.
There's a TON of old posts that remain locked except to friends of course but I'll try to keep any new locked posts to a minium.
So, I went back to the sandwhich shop and HE was there. So, as my turn came I made a conscious effort to lower my "hetero shield" and just...well..TRY to flirt...which I suck at anyway.
He made some small talk with me, which was nice, and I think he even didn't charge me for something!!!
Funny...as I let my girl-loving side go by the wayside as I did this...i found myself being..well...attracted to him!!!! It wasn't like..."god I have to tear off all his clothes" or anything...but I really did wonder what it would be like to kiss him.
whew....im still not used to all this...even after all this time.
It was such a rush I went straight home and had some VERY GOOD alone time thinking about him.
And then I ate the sandwhich...lol
Thanks for reading!
Sexual Fantasy Scale: Men [ - - * - - - - - - - ] Women |
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| hi |
[Jun. 6th, 2006|07:43 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  gloomy | ] |
hello. no big news right now. Actually ive been in a bit of funk the last few days, nothing big, im sure we've all been there. So im sorry i havent been around too much latley. But im sure in a day or so ill be back to normal. If you are around, feel free to say hi! |
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| toys of the past.... |
[Jun. 2nd, 2006|05:47 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | cheerful | ] |
so, if you had a time machine, and could leap back to your childhood to rescue a cherished toy, game, stuffed animal etc from the trash, the rummage sale table, or storage, what would it be? |
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| One up one down |
[May. 26th, 2006|06:06 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | calm | ] |
Last weekend was the busy one, this weekend its just some chilling at home, with a few friends stopping by.
Tonight, i think im going to watch some stuff i have on tape from this week, and will chat with a friend on the phone. No biggie.
Anyone been watching "metal month" on VH-1 this week? Some intresting programs there, including a "behind the music" on Pantera (the band whos guitarst was shot and killed on stage) pretty sad stuff.
Anyone have any intresting ebay experiences? horror stories? just wondering. Ive kind of been back into it this month (ebaying is a phase thing for me) and wondering if anyone out there goes through the same thing. Its real addicting.
Thats it for now, ill probably be around online late tonight, so if anyone wants to say hi, feel free. Perhaps ill post again.
Thanks everyone. |
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| The outside looking in : All the fustration. |
[May. 23rd, 2006|07:25 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | thoughtful | ] |
Ive been doing some reading on a few journals, and its got my mind running a bit in regards to a few hopefully intresting thoughts regarding men dealing with their wives or girlfriend being bicurious and/or bisexual.
It can be a hard thing, theres no doubt about it, and in can certianly complicate, if not doom, a relationship that isnt solid.
Ive kind of been in that situation. Around about a few months into my last relationship, my girlfriend would let slip that she had fantasies about women and even a very brief exploration phase in her early teens. I asked her if she was bi, and she shrugged her shoulders and said "maybe." She had never heard the term "bi-curious" before, and when i mentioned that as a possiblity, her eyes lit up and she said, "yea, that's more like it!"
Now, as a guy, this of course intrested me to no end. Now, speaking for me and me only, and this ive mentioned before in previous posts, im intrested in female bisexualily for the same reason as im intrested in my own; its the breaking down of sexual barriers that I find so erotic. Unlike the gaggle of fratboys you see throwing beer and dollar at the pile of strippers kissing each other on stage, sexual exploration is a fun, erotic, and possibly breathtaking possiblity.
As we went on, she'd share with me her fantasies (mostly about female celebrities, and a few friends) and id listen raptly. I felt so proud i had a girlfriend that was so open. And we even just kind of put some feelers out in the possiblity of maybe having a threesome. It wasnt soon thereafter that she admitted to me for the first time that she was honestly attracted to a woman we knew. The way she told me was so nervous, so scared as to what I'd think, It made me all the more accepting of her feelings. I knew she was considerate of how I felt, it made me want to be the same for her and her feelings.
A few years went by and she had her first experience with another woman. Now by this point, our relationship had entered an odd "are we or arent we" phase, so it made it difficult for me to deal with.
1. I was, of course, thrilled that she had finally tried it and liked it. And that she wanted to share the details with me.
2. But what of me? Did she still love me? Was she only into girls now? Was I being phased out?
Now, a complaint that you often here from bicurious women is that their boyfriends often freak out at this point, which puts a drag on the relationship and pulls him away from her, and often pushes her into the arms of another woman.
But, it has to be understandable how a man must feel, and i think it goes beyond the sort of ingraned mental attitude that men have about their woman being their's and their's alone (although I think that's not necessarly a male thing, we all want to belive our other loves us and only us).
Now, the fact that I was bi curious at the time (which i never told her) made this more complicated (athough it should have made it easier). Deep down, i knew totally how she felt about her sexuality and what she needed, because i felt the same way.
Case in point: If i could have snapped my fingers and had a cute, muscular boy toy who was also curious about his sexuality at my disposal, and my lady would allow me one night, like a thursday or something, to let us just do our thing, that would have only made me love her more because she would have trusted me that I loved her and only her, espically since i dont beive im hard wired to fall in love with a man.
Heres where the double standard falls into place. How many bicurious or bisexual women out there who have a boyfriend or husband who they want to be accepting of their desires for women would be just as understanding if their man confided in them that they also wanted to try out their bi side?
Over the last few months of reading here, I have found the number who would be understanding his higher than I thought, but I still think its a low number. Much too low, considering how far boyfriends and husbands are asked to bend sometimes when their wives or girlfriends want to explore.
So, when she was with her girl, i should have been completly understanding...but man it was sooooo hard! Now, the fact that by this point our relationship was already kind of fractured probably didnt help. But most of the time i felt on the outside. Which was horrible.
Dont get me wrong, i didnt want to butt in and make myself a centerpiece of her experiences with women (unlike most men, I DONT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH TWO WOMEN AT ONCE!) but it would have been nice if i hadnt been left in the cold. She'd do these things with this girl, and id find out about it days later. I never knew which way was up or what to do. My greatist fantasy (ok, my second greatist) was right there with the woman i loved, and i was being left in the dust.
It was a horrible feeling, and one that I dont want to ever feel again. And im left with never knowing exactly what went on behind the closed doors she slammed in my face. Doors I would have given anything to be able to look behind.
This is a rambling rant to be sure, and I hope some meaning could be taken out of it.
I guess the point im trying to make is for all the ladies out there who might be getting some resistance from their man about exploring, try to understand that we mean well, and deep down, no matter how macho, we all think we dont deserve the women who love us, and we just dont want to lose you. Make sure he knows you love him, and that him giving you some room to explore would make you love him more and more.
And if your relaionship is already kind of rocky, and you think their might be a possibitliy that you'd leave him for a woman, just break up with him and then do what you want to do, so you dont break his heart twice.
And guys, just give your lady some space sometimes, ok? She'll tell you all her deepest desires slowly over time, as she learnes to love and trust you each day. When she does, you'll be glad that she took her time in telling you. Each "forbidden" fantasy she whispers to you late at night will stay with you forever.
Thanks for reading everyone |
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| theapplenetbyproxycoreribonet-underlay. |
[May. 10th, 2006|02:27 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | calm | ] |
Anyone here watch lost?
Even if you dont, check this one out:
Theres an offical site for the "Hanso Foundation" (just run a search for it on yahoo).
Under "Joop's Corner" Type in "breaking strain" under in the "send joop a message" area. (give in a minute and it will say it "timed out")
Back to main menu, go to the newsletter section and enter "Breaking Strain" under the log in name box. Do it again when prompted by "persephone".
Pretty nutty stuff. I love interactive weird secret stuff like that.
Do it quickly before its taken down or changed.
How did i find out the password? Dont ask. |
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thespacingguild's journal